Leaders solve problems, they also—should—help the people following them solve problems. However, many of them don’t so much help as they jump in and take over. It’s that overwhelming leadership urge to be hero rather than helpful guide gently steering them to useful solutions.

This heroic urge impacts just about everyone, and as much as I hate to admit it, when I am asked to help someone with a problem, I too am often overcome by it—this is, by the way, an embarrassing admission given my experience as a coach and teacher of coaching. 

So, what’s the big mistake coming from this urge? You might laugh, but the big mistake is jumping to give advice. And when I do it, I know I’m doing it, yet, I sometimes can’t help myself. However, when my better angels smack me across the head, I can catch myself and shut my mouth. Regardless, this advice-giving, solve-their-problem-for-them issue is a menace, and it can really prove an obstacle for anyone trying to effectively lead.

Some do this rapid-advice-giving more than others,—again, I am guilty as charged—and it’s not always wrong, but jumping too quickly to share your idea can make matters worse. You see, you aren’t the other person. You aren’t having their troubles. You do not know precisely what it feels like or means to them. And thus, your advice can be way off base and head them to entirely the wrong course of action. While it might be what you would do, it might be completely wrong for them. 

What’s actually more beneficial than all your great advice is to help them figure out for themselves what they can and will do. Helping people is good, but doing all the work for them is not. When you give all the answers, the other person gets lazy and dependent. Think about it. If someone else is there to provide solutions, why should they bother thinking for themselves? 

If you think that’s a stretch, consider all those young people we see these days who go off to college and have to call mommy and daddy every time anything becomes a challenge. They’ve been crippled. And why? Because mommy and daddy solved all their problems for them growing up. 

So, when someone comes to you for advice, what’s the best way to help? 

First, listen. Take notes if you have to, but keep your mouth shut and learn what’s on their mind. 

Second, get clarity. A friend of mine shared a very helpful phrase for this, “help me understand…” When anything is unclear or could be interpreted different ways, say “help me understand what you mean by…”

Another great phrase is, “when you say _____, what do you mean?” This can really help clear up any possible misunderstandings and give you their definition of specific words.

Step three is a simple question, “what do you think the real problem is?” What you are trying to learn here is the root of the issue. How did things get to this point? What’s behind everything? Try to get a clear idea as to what’s causing the headaches.

Step four. Ask them, “what could you do to make it better?” Then, let them go. Encourage them to tell you anything that they think might help the situation. The key though is to steer them to things they can do, not things everyone else must do. If the solution to their issue requires the whole world to change, there will be no resolution. Resolution can only begin through actions the person can take themselves.

Once they’ve rattled off some possibilities for action, you may find they have missed things that you have thought about, this is the time when you can add your two cents. However, before blurting out your words of wisdom, always ask, “may I make a suggestion?” This is polite and shows them respect. 

Now that you’ve got a variety of solutions on the table, it’s time to determine a plan. This begins by asking them what they will commit to doing and how you can help. Your job here is to ensure there is a sensible course of action that is safe. If it looks like they are jumping into something that could hurt them, ask, “do you see any possible issues here?” or “are there any consequences you haven’t considered?” If they still don’t see it and you fear for their life, both figuratively and literally, lay out what is troubling you.

Ultimately, finish the conversation with something they are going to do and a pledge to be there for them as a helpmate and supporter.  As I said earlier, the point to this whole process is helping them help themselves instead of you being their hero—or, in reality, their crutch.

Leadership is a tough job, and the desire to be a superhero who swoops in to save everyone in your charge from any and all harm is sometimes overwhelming. But, if you truly want to succeed as a leader, suppressing that desire and guiding your followers in summoning up their best selves to solve their problems is the best way to build a team who can do on their own rather than a team who can’t do without you. 

Building a self-sufficient team is what leadership is all about. Suppress that rapid-advice-giving urge and empower instead. You, your team, and your organization will be better for it.

As for me, I’ll keep working on it, and humble myself to heed these words, “physician, heal thyself.”

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